The Happy Wife Pledge Controversy
There have been 266 posts from Radical Mentoring. Of all these posts, “The Happy Wife Pledge” has been the most commented-on by a factor of 10. By far the most controversial.
Here’s the part of the pledge that’s making everyone’s teeth itch…
“I will stop talking about sex. I will make no other comments, jokes, side comments, or criticisms about the frequency, quality, or any other dimension of our sex life. I will love her and we will enjoy sex only when she is clearly in favor of it. I will put her first, be grateful for what comes my way, and be content.”
Yes, husbands need sex. And yes, a wife should meet her husband’s need for sex. But when she doesn’t, what’s he to do? If he overpowers her, that’s wrong. If he gets plays the ‘guilt’ card, gets mad, shouts or pouts, that’s manipulative and wrong. If he stops trying, she’ll think he doesn’t love her or is fooling around. So what’s the answer?
Trust God.
With my sex life?
Yes. Totally.
Men are the initiators because we have the highest drive and need for sex. When we focus on our wives and ‘woo’ them with attentiveness, selflessness and patience, our needs usually get met. Maybe not a lot more than met… maybe ‘just barely’ and ‘just in time’.
But when we do everything right and our wives’ heart is just ‘not there’ for love making, that’s when it’s up to us to look to the Lord for the grace to accept our wife’s ‘heart’, not take it personal and not dole out retribution. Your wife ‘not wanting to’ is not rejection, although it may feel like it. She’s just being honest and true to herself. What’s she supposed to do? If she’s not up for it and you press, that’s not going to be good. If she ‘performs’ out of duty and not out of intimacy and love, that’s no good either. She has to volunteer and let you know she’s willing for it to be good. Not necessarily to initiate, but to go along, to be active and involved and to try.
Men are quick to quote the “submit” verses Paul wrote. We overlook the fact that “wives, submit” is always accompanied by “husbands, love”. Show me a man who gently and patiently loves his wife and I’ll show you a man whose wife will gladly ‘submit’. But it’s not the ‘chicken or egg’ question because men have to go first. Love her well and she’ll be more than happy to submit and meet your needs.
What if God gave men more and women less sex drive for this purpose? What if He wanted frustrated men to have no other legitimate place to turn other than his wife and to Him? So crank up your kindness, patience, understanding and attentiveness. If she’s still not motivated, your next stop is your Heavenly Father with a prayer like this….
“Father God, you promised to meet all my needs and I know you will. I’m grateful for my wife and I trust you to meet my need for sex soon. Thank you for creating sex and for all the sex my wife and I have enjoyed. Please help me be patient and keep me from sin while I wait. You are my Provider God and I know whatever I really, really need, you provide. So I’ll trust you. I’ll love and serve my wife and wait patiently for my needs to be met. I love you Father. And I thank you for being here for me, even to talk about this subject. In Jesus’ beautiful name I pray. Amen”
Question: Will you “love your wife as Christ loved the church?” Will you drop your demands for sex, gently pursue your wife’s heart, and let God meet your need for sex in His timing? Tell us here.
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Responses (10)
I fully agree with your comments. Too often men feel that they can overpower their wife either emotionally or physically because they’re the “man of the house.” When we love our wife as Christ loved the church we love her unconditionally.. While it may sound fun at first I wonder how many men would like to be fondled , pursued, and pinched every day by their spouse? I think the idea of mutual respect and consideration for one another even though you’re married still is our responsibility as men. God did not give us our wives to be sex slaves but to be partners in this holy rite called marriage.
This is the way I have been doing this for years. It works wonderfully.
I support the happy wife pledge because the alternatives, as Regi points out, are not from God. The same question comes up in church leadership—since God teaches us to submit to our leaders, does that mean our leaders are to subjugate us. As often as God talks about submission, he sure has neglected to talk about subjugation; in fact he tells them NOT to “lord it over” us.
It takes faith to trust God not only for where my money will come from but also how much, and it takes faith to trust that he will meet the other needs he created in me.
This is the toughest blog topic ever! Men who are frustrated by their wife’s lack of desire, are not just frustrated because of their lack of a physical need being meet, but more the emotional ones. As John Eldredge says in his book Wild at Heart , men need to feel desired, as a hero is desired by a princess. My sense is that our two greatest desires are to be needed and desired. Most women think its about men getting their rocks off so to speak. For most it is about a connection that is much deeper than the act of sex. It’s about being validated as a man, provider, and prince to his princess. Its about connectedness. Men who have wives who don’t desire them are men who feel that they have failed or that they are not worthy of being desired….many women believe men only think about sex and themselves, that is so far from the truth. Men want to be able to meet the ultimate need of their spouse and often feel if they cannot provide for that need, then all else has little meaning and a man feels un-needed and ultimately if this condition lasts a long time he can feel emasculated.
I think it is perfectly honorable for a man to live by this pledge. But we need to understand that a marriage without intimacy is a recipe for disaster for a guy who is not spiritually solid…… Satan desires men to live this way as he sees it as an open invitation to temptation.
I personally shocked at this pledge business from the man, I’m a woman!! I prefer the comment above, its a time to not only experience each other physically but emotionally, that ultimate connection of praising him, making him feel needed, important as head of the family, o my goodness, the beauty of it all, women need to feel needed, wanted for all reasons, desired. If ones doesnt feel, after 25 yrs. its empty. Some men just cant understand it, good communication, he’s not just the puppet, how much you can get out of him work wise, wether around the house or work. I have seen women deny sex as punishment. I want a man who is strong and head of the family, but has the bility to understand the emotional intimaticy. Much of this is simply a weak man who shares no discussion, and well the ole girl, just doesnt like him from a sexual point anymore.
Well said my friend…
This is tough, no doubt. My wife and I have recently been struggling with this. I said almost the same thing as posted, i don’t want to demand because i feel needy, i want her to want me, its not just about sex it is about intimacy, and i am so tired of being rejected that i just stopped trying to initiate. Her not wanting sex when you want sex is one thing, and that is really just a result of failure to carve out time for one another. But dry spells that last months are something completely different, and not talking about it with your spouse is not the answer. This comment deals more with the latter.
We should absolutely trust God with our sex lives, but refusing to communicate with your wife is dangerous. In my case, my wife and I had a nice long and emotional discussion a day after more heated fellowship. but i laid all of my frustrations on the table,as did she. As it turns out, my wife has been dissatisfied with her lack of drive. How would i have known that if i didn’t ask? she has felt trapped by her lack of desire, and that coupled with my frustration over the same led to brooding, distancing, and failure of intimacy on all fronts, not just the physical.
Just like everything else, you have to face marriage struggles together, not separately. Pray about it, pray about it some more, and then grab your wife and pray about it. I can think of nothing that Satan would love to destroy more than a godly marriage. Intimacy is definitely a high priority target. You can’t fight the adversary solo. you need your wife by your side with the Father standing right next to you. I can tell you that after that discussion and after some consistent prayer, we came to the realization that the reason we were failing this fight is because we were trying to tackle it solo through our own individual prayers instead of together (my fault as spiritual leader of the house)
Even though we are still working toward more consistency in our physical intimacy, we are definitely winning in emotional and spiritual intimacy. This would not have happened if I committed to keeping my mouth shut on the matter. But as always, i did have to take a long look in the mirror as well. both of us recognized a need to ensure we carved out time with one another.
Definitely apply the 5 feet for 5 minutes rule. Men are convinced they need sex to feel intimate but it simply isn’t true. So don’t fall into that trap either.
I appreciate the happy wife pledge so much! Besides the specifics of the pledge, to me it’s the spirit of love in the pledge that is so encouraging. I think if all husbands had that loving spirit, and tried to diminish the selfishness that can creep into a marriage, they would find much more responsive wives regarding intimacy. However…speaking to any wives reading this, here’s a practical suggestion. I noticed some people commenting on problems with low sex drive. If that’s the issue for the wife, there are some things that can be done–the two of you don’t have to stay frustrated! After having our first child, my lack of sex drive and hesitation in that department caused me and my husband some problems. I started reading up on natural ways to boost sex drive, and there are actually a lot of easy things you can do. I don’t mean to sound crass or anything, but some foods in particular are very helpful with making you feel “frisky.” Iceberg lettuce works, as well as ginger. For a couple weeks, I would make a green salad using iceberg lettuce instead of Romaine lettuce several times a week, and I would also sprinkle powdered ginger in my tea, cereal, oatmeal, etc. Just eating those two foods for a couple weeks put everything back to normal for us. It sounds a little quirky but it was extremely helpful! Eating those foods also gave me more energy, which is important as well. Sounds a little odd at first, but sometimes you just need to get creative and try different solutions in order to increase your desire in the intimacy department. Hope that helps!
Do husbands really “need” sex? It is certainly a desire. What if husbands, as they learn how to build intimacy with their own wives, discover that sex really isn’t the best way to accomplish that? Didn’t God design sex primarily for creating an initial bond and a family? I am not convinced he designed it for emotional connection. So, along the lines of the pledge, perhaps husbands sacrifice our desires in Christ-like service and pursue intimacy in a way that works for both partners. Thoughts?