Submission to Oneness
“Submit” may be THE most controversial word in the Bible, especially when it’s used by a man talking about a woman. It’s really hard to submit to anything or anyone. It takes a huge commitment to submit to a diet or an exercise regimen or a set of rules or a boss . . . or a husband.
Submission doesn’t come natural. Maybe it’s because we’re made in the image of God and He submits to no one. Or maybe it’s the rebellion set deep in our DNA as a result of the fall. Either way, start telling your wife how she’s supposed to submit to you and you’ll find yourself celibate, and not because you meant to be.
The quid pro quo for submission is love. How many times have you heard “Show me a husband who ‘loves his wife as Christ loved the church’ and I’ll show you a wife who won’t struggle with submission”. Easily said, hard to find on both accounts. The problem with this deal is we’re using contract terms in a covenant context. We made a covenant commitment when we got married.
Ephesians 5:31
FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.…
Joined to his wife. One flesh. Oneness. That’s our starting point.
What God has for us in marriage isn’t found in making anyone do anything. It’s not about the requirement that the husband do “X” so the wife will do “Y” or vice versa. The jewel we’re digging for is oneness. Voluntary, not obligatory. Filling, not draining. Fleeting and illusive. Hard to grasp and impossible to keep when you find it.
We describe this oneness as ‘being on the same page’. As a husband, I feel it when I know I measure up. When she lets me know I have what it takes to satisfy her. When she listens to me. I feel it when she says nice things to me and about me. I feel it when she doesn’t criticize me or touch on my shame. I feel it when she says “You’re right”. I feel it when she lets things go and doesn’t correct things I say. I feel it when she laughs at my jokes, or at least lets them go without critique.
She feels it when she feels cherished. When she knows I want to be with her, not for what I can get but for who she is. When she hears me say “You’re right”. When she feels loved, lovely and lovable. Accepted and not criticized. When she feels my focused attention. When I don’t push back on things. When she knows I’ve given her time. When I express genuine interest in what she’s interested in.
So . . . instead of battling over who goes first – whether love brings submission or vice versa, why not make it mutual?.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. – Eph 5:21
Instead of doing things “for the sake of our marriage,” what would happen if we created an imaginary third party called “oneness”? What if we started thinking “for the sake of oneness, I’m going to pass up the temptation to snap back to what she just said!” “For the sake of oneness, I’m going to let him off for forgetting that thing I asked him to do”. For the sake of ‘oneness’ . . .
Recognize it’s oneness you both want. Oneness “out of reverence for Christ’ who put the two of you together in the first place.
Question: “Out of reverence for Christ”, will you do what it takes to pursue oneness with your wife? Tell us here.
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Responses (2)
This concept of oneness is a great one to pursue because it is Biblically founded. And I like the idea of being aware when I do or don’t feel that oneness with my wife. Thank you for sharing this article, Mr. Campbell.
I once read on a blog, I think it was love honor and vacuum that many seem to think the goal of marriage is for the wife to submit. To give in or defer to what her husband wants. On this blog she asked isn’t the goal of marriage oneness? She wasn’t discounting the biblical call for submission and she did consider it a tool that can be used to avoid arguments but she asked isn’t the ultimate goal of marriage oneness? She said that she and her husband could discuss things and almost always reach a mutually agreeable solution 99.9% of the time.
If the husband is only concerned about whether his wife will submit to what he wants he probably isn’t working as hard as he should to achieve oneness.
I am very blessed my husband and I always find a way to find a solution we can both be at peace with. We do view oneness as the ultimate goal.
Thanks for the article and the reminder.