Men and Empathy
A man with empathy is about as likely as a man in high-heeled shoes. It rarely comes with the boy. I wish I had it….I really do. But I’m missing the chip. The DNA from my parents must have overheated in transit. I know empathy when I see it and on the rare occasion it comes from me, it’s because I focused and tried really hard. On a normal day, I whiz by the chance to be empathetic in a rush to fix it and make it better. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.
In case you didn’t have 3 minutes to watch the Brene’ Brown piece, here’s the quick and dirty…
Empathy is feeling with people. It drives connection. There are four qualities of empathy…
1. Taking the perspective of another person (or recognizing their perspective as their truth)
2. Staying out of judgment of that person
3. Recognizing the emotion in the other person
4. Communicating true understanding of their emotion
Getting into their frame of reference, taking them exactly as they are & where they are, sensing what they’re feeling, and letting them know you understand their feelings. Nothing more.
Maybe it’s because men are doers and fixers, but empathy is hard for us. When we see someone hurting, we say “Hey I get it….I know how you feel. What you need to do is (fill in the blank)” or “Let me help you…I’ll (fill in the blank). Or “I’ve been where you are. It was awful. But here’s what I did to get moving again. You just need to (fill in the blank)”. We want to make things better. Well intended, but not empathetic.
The best place to see the power and wisdom of empathy is watching how people best comfort a grieving parent or spouse. They’re ‘down in the hole” for what we’d all say are ‘legitimate’ reasons. They’ve had a tragedy. Lost someone who really mattered. Their long term mental health and happiness rides on their willingness to grieve. Friends and family who show empathy….who feel with them, who cry with them and don’t judge them for their despair, who feel their pain and let them know they feel it…they help bring healing. Everyone else…the folks who are rushing them to move on, the folks talking about the loved one being “in a better place”, they’re working against healing, not for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m all about heaven and our hope in Jesus. But before they’ll care to know about our faith, they’ll need to know we care about them.
Back this down to regular day-to-day situations. Doesn’t it still apply? Maybe even more? What can you tell your friend that’ll make him feel better about losing his job? How will your words fix the shame your teen feels when he sees acne on his face? People don’t need us to fix them, they need us to feel them. They choose to look at things differently. They choose to believe different things if they want to behave different ways. No one can do it for them.
We men can become more empathetic if we want to help people bad enough to keep our mouths shut.
What would Jesus have us do? Feel ‘em or fix ‘em?
Question: Have you figured out a way to consistently be more empathetic? Share it with us here…we desperately need help.
Breathe New Life Into Your Discipleship
Small group mentoring can help you engage your people, build your core group of leaders, and transform your church. Our free resources equip you with all the tools you need to launch a sustainable mentoring program.
Responses (3)
Great stuff as always. I spoke to a friend recently who went through a terrible tragedy with the death of a family member. He is a strong believer with a strong community of christian friends. He told me the outpouring of support was nice but he was shocked and amazed with some of the things that people said to him in an effort to make him feel better. He said that they all meant well but in their efforts to bring comfort they would say things that just caused him to feel frustrated and angry. When I asked what would have been better he said he wished people would have just shown up, said I am sorry you had to go through this, ask if there is any task that they need help with and then just be quiet. I learned a lot from that conversation and I know the next time I am “helping” the best thing to do is to say less.
Thanks for the reminder!
Hey Regi-
Thought provoking post (as usual.) Question: how do you balance empathy and leadership? Specifically, how do you respond empathically when someone you’re leading, whether in your family or your business, is hurting because of a bad decision they made or a circumstance they created by circumventing your authority or ignoring your leadership?
Thanks-
chris
Bump…