1. How much is enough?

and

2. Where does my significance come from?

Today, we’ll tackle the “how much is enough” question.  Next week, we’ll talk about significance.

For a couple or three generations, parents pounded the ‘success’ mantra into their kids (that would be us baby boomers). “You go to school so you can get a good job and be successful.” “Marry well, have kids, buy a house, take great vacations and you’ve got success” …that was the plan.

But look at what happened. We got the jobs, the houses, the families, and the trips, but we’re still striving for more. We’re never content. We mindlessly press on for bigger titles, higher salaries, larger houses and more of everything.

So how much is enough?

Somebody told me to look at it backwards.

Start with the end in mind. What will you need to provide educations for your kids and weddings for your daughters (if you have any)? How much will it take to supplement pension payments so your wife can stay in your house and be financially okay after you’ve changed addresses? (that means “you’re dead”) And if there’s a vacation home in your dreams, how much will that cost? Pull all this together. Put numbers and timeframes to it. Use insurance where it makes sense.

You’re going to come face to face with two facts. First, there’s a number (a large one) that you’ll have to earn, save or inherit in order to fund all those future needs. Secondly, you’ll get an idea of how long you’re going to have to work for money in order to provide.

Either way you look at it, those two sets of numbers tell you how much is enough.

Can you do with less?

Yes.

A lot less?

Yes

But the question of the day is not how much less you can get by with; it’s how much is enough. Knowing “your number” can motivate you to save, spend wisely and invest aggressively. As you come to grips with the fact that you’re probably going to be working for money longer than you thought you would, you may want to “step it up a notch”, apply yourself, work smart, and be the best guy who works there.  You can have a great work life into your seventies, eighties and even into your nineties. The idea of retirement is a relatively new concept in culture; I won’t ever retire. (BTW I don’t think the idea of retirement is found in the Bible either!)

The same approach applies for a month or a lifetime. Quantify your needs, figure out what you’ve going to give, how much you’re going to save and then live on the rest. If you can do all three of those things, be grateful … you have enough.

Don’t panic when you come up with some large numbers. They’re large to you but not to our God. When we run out of ourselves, we run right into Him. Only He can close the gap between what we have and what (we think) we need. Turn it over to Him, Yahewh Jireh, God our Provider. He will meet all of your needs; maybe not all your wants, but He’ll meet your needs. You’ll have enough.

I love the word “Dayenu”. It’s a song in the Jewish Passover celebration and it means “It would have been enough for us.” The Jews were singing in thanksgiving to God for delivering them from slavery. The inference is ‘He’s done so much more’. And He has.

Dayenu.

Question: Are you striving for more without considering how much is enough? Will you think about what “enough” might look like? Will you trust God to provide for your needs, even when you have no idea how He’s going to do it?  Please comment here.

“Hey man, that was great…I didn’t even know you could pick” he said.

“Oh, I’m not any good. That’s really the only song I know. And….”

Tommy grabbed me. He squared up my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes and said “Listen. There are tons of people who will criticize you and cut you to pieces. But when someone pays you a compliment, say ‘thank you’ and shut up!”

Why is it so hard for us to take a compliment? And should we? Aren’t we ‘humble sinners, saved by grace and through no works of our own’? Isn’t it prideful to revel in the praise of men?

Receiving praise is hard because we’re stuck in this tension between the flesh and the Spirit, between the visible and the invisible. On one hand, you did the work, you made the presentation, you swung the bat, you performed the song. But on the other hand, God gave you the health, the energy, the intelligence, the talent and the opportunity. God could have delivered the success to someone else if He’d wanted to.

In addition, we have all these self-esteem issues. Most of us don’t feel good enough about ourselves to deserve compliments. We doubt our talent, our skill and even our contribution to a successful team. When someone pours praise into our buckets, it leaks right out through the bullet holes of our self-doubt, our recollection of past failures, or mental pictures of people who are “more than” we are….more talented, more educated, more experienced, more accomplished, etc.

Here’s what I’ve learned about receiving compliments; 4 simple tips…

1. Always say thank you, and say it first…before you say anything else. It took effort and risk for that person to pay you the compliment. It cost them something and they should be thanked.

2. Don’t correct, rationalize, diminish or explain away their compliment. In my story, Tommy knew something about music. When I tried to let the air out of his compliment, what he felt coming from me was rejection, like I was saying “You don’t know what you’re talking about….I’m not any good!”. Do you see how it can feel like you’re dissing their assessment of you? …like you’re almost disagreeing with their praise!  It can even feel like you’re dissing them. And they just took the time to pay you a compliment!

3. Be respectful even if they’re “blowing sunshine”- Receive compliments from those whom you don’t respect with the same grace and gratitude as from those you do. Yes, there are people who give compliments like pine trees give pollen. Some have ulterior motives; some just want you to like them. Regardless of their motives, say ‘thank you’ and try not to judge them harshly.

4. Deflect the credit after you say thanks. If you’re a part of a team that accomplished something, share the compliment with something like “Well I’m just one part of a very special group of people who…..” If the compliment is directed specifically and unequivocally to you, then deflect it to God after expressing gratitude. I have tried diligently to never accept a compliment without deflecting credit to my Lord. I use words like…

“Thank you so much. We have been very, very blessed”.

or

“Thanks for saying that, but if it’s good, it’s from God. I just try to not mess it up”.

or

“Thank you for your kind words. God has been so very good to me.”

God is our perfect Father. He loves to give good gifts to His children. Sometimes those good gifts may include compliments He sends using the mouths and pens of other people.

Train yourself to receive them with gratitude and humility.

Question: Are you in the habit of rationalizing, diminishing or explaining away compliments people give you? What might happen if you responded with gratitude and then used the opportunity to give God some glory?  You can continue the discussion by posting a comment here.

“Your last blog post was ‘killer’! Keep it up!”

“She is such a generous friend. She brought over dinner last week when I was sick….I don’t know how she knew I was down and out!”

Everyone likes getting compliments. Most of the time, they feel really good, even when we don’t think we deserve them.

What makes a good compliment? When should we speak and when should we keep our mouths shut? Here are five principles to consider….

1.  Don’t tell them directly – The highest compliment you’ll ever receive is one that is not intended for your ears. If you’ve observed something special about someone, tell their husband, wife or best friend. They’ll pass on your compliment without you being involved. It will mean much more coming from a “third party” whose only agenda it to build up the person you want to build up.

2.  Compliment character – Bragging about someone’s performance, or looks, or even their skill will encourage them at a surface level. But if you think about their character….if the behavior that’s impressed you emanates from a character quality that you can identify, say something good about that. “If I were describing you to a stranger, I’d start by telling them about your integrity…that I would hand you my wallet and never think twice.” That resonates much more deeply than “Boy, you really shot straight about those expense reports in that meeting with the boss.”

3.  Be intentional when you pay a compliment – Think about what you’re going to say and why you’re going to say it. Am I trying to be liked? Or am I about encouraging (“giving courage to”) someone. You get what you ‘glorify’, particularly with young people. If you want your daughter to wear tons of makeup and spend hours on her hair, constantly compliment her on how pretty she looks. Compliments are, in a sense, rewards. And what is rewarded is repeated. Think about what you want repeated before you pay your compliments.

4.  Don’t dilute the value of your compliments – Paying too many compliments devalues each one. When someone is constantly gushing praise, it’s hard to take them seriously. In fact, you might even question the very thing they’re complimenting you about.  When you think “Oh, they say that to everyone”, it’s easy to discount the compliment and even think they were just saying something to make you feel better. Try not to compliment people on things that weren’t their fault. Your words will ring hollow.

5.  Connect your compliment to something they did – When you can validate your compliment with an action the person took that demonstrates that character trait, it’s more meaningful.  For example, praising someone for being generous means a lot more to that person when it’s tied to an act of generosity that’s recent and observable. Telling your friends about your creative wife resonates more deeply when she’s just finished redecorating your living room and you’re sitting in it when you’re talking. You’re connecting her effort with her gifts in plain view of the outcome.

Paying good compliments takes time. We have to stop and reflect on what’s been done…what we’ve seen or heard. Then we have to think about the person and how we can love them through our words of praise. Then we have to act. An unspoken compliment is useless and gone forever.

One more thought….

When is the last time you gave yourself a compliment?

Next time you do something you’re a little proud of, use these principles to craft a compliment for yourself. Don’t say it in front of anyone else….that would be goofy. But say it to yourself. And mean it.

Every day during creation, God would pause and compliment Himself by declaring what He’d done as good. Try that on yourself every now and then.

Question: How are you at dishing out praise? Do people roll their eyes because you do it so much? Do they burst into tears because they’ve waited so long to hear a compliment come out of your mouth?  If you’d like to comment, please do so here.

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Somebody famous said you can’t find the right answer without asking the right question.  I wish that had been me.

But it’s still true.  And so is its corollary; if you ask the right questions, you are more likely to find the right answers.

Some years ago I found a series of questions that I just call The Foundations.  Your answers to these questions are foundational to how you live your life, relate to others and how you relate to God.

There is an order to these questions. You have to start at the beginning to work your way through as each question builds on the ones before.  The answers might not be obvious to you at first. As one guy told me, “I know the Sunday School answers to these but not the real ones, the ones that drive my life.”

1. Who is the audience of your life?  There is someone to whom you have given permission to judge your life, the person or group that you play the game for, the person or group whose reaction is most important to you.  For some people it’s their dad…or their wife…or the mythical “they”, the social vocational crowd that you live with day to day. For some people it’s their inner critic who evaluates everything they do.  For some people it’s their Heavenly Father. You can get a clue as to your audience when you have a big win or a big loss. Who do you most want to know and who do you most dread finding out?
2. Why do you matter?  This question is about significance.  Because these questions are in order, the answer to your question about audience will affect your significance.  If you gave Dad the right to judge your life, you will be significant only to the degree that you think Dad approves of you.  Do you see why these questions are so important?
3. Who are you? This is a question of identity.  Our culture is confused about identity. Because the link to significance and audience has been broken, identity and purpose are seen by much of society as simply choices to be made and unmade.  Henri J.M. Nouwen said it differently: “Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” Identity flows from significance.
4. Why Am I Here? How often this question is asked seemingly out of thin air, as though you could address the question of purpose for your life without thinking about who your audience is, why you matter or who you are?  I struggled for so many years to find a satisfying answer to “Why Am I Here?” without building the necessary foundation.

There is a reason I am drawn to these questions.  It’s because it’s been such a struggle for me. I was far too willing to allow the leaders I worked for to be the judge of my life and was left with a mess when I tried to make sense of the rest of the questions.  For a while, I lived for what I thought “they” thought of me.  I learned that “they” don’t think of me much at all, and that I was just living for myself and my inner critic.  No matter how well I did, the inner critic would tell me that I had come up short.  My significance was in peril and my identity was “failed potential”.

I haven’t “arrived” and don’t expect to. But these ARE the right questions. And my Heavenly Father is the best source for the answers.

Question: Do you have answers to these four foundational questions?  Real ones?  Why not find a good friend and share with each other your answers to The Foundations.  If you’d like to leave a comment, you can do so here.

We’ve laughed about the subject of “advice-giving” for years. Once I referred to myself as the “Vice President of Advice” as we laughed about my willingness to dish it out.

“No” she said, “you’re the PRESIDENT of advice!” That one stung!

Campbell’s original platitude was spoken in the context of an adult child receiving unsolicited advice from a parent, but I think it applies universally. When we volunteer our opinions about someone’s “thing”, be it their children, their work, their decisions, their art, whatever…we set ourselves up as judge. We convey “I know what this could or should be. Here’s my assessment! And here’s what you should do to fix it.”

Relationally, being right or wrong is irrelevant. When your assessment, opinion, or advice is different from what the owner or creator of the “thing” desired, they’re going to feel criticized. That may have been the last thing you intended when you opened your mouth (or pressed “Send” on the email). But that can be how it’s received.

This doesn’t mean they’re going to tell you they felt criticized. On the contrary, most people stuff it and move on. But believe me, it’s there and it’s not forgotten. My wife remembers vividly the first thing I ever said to her over 43 years ago. I made a joking comment about how she set her feet when she did her cheerleading routines. I was trying to be funny and break the ice with the prettiest girl in the school. She thought I was criticizing her….not deep criticism but criticism all the same.

If this principle is true, what do we do?

1. Wait until we’re asked for advice before we open our mouths.
2. Tell them a true story from our experience and let them pull what we have to offer from our story. No one can argue with your story, although a highly defensive person can still feel criticized and take it personally.
3. Ask the person if they’d like another idea, assuring them that you aren’t criticizing but just offering up something you learned along the way. It’s a “both/and”, not an “either/or”.
4. Wait for a “teachable moment” and pass along your idea when there’s vulnerability and openness.

Being aware is most of the battle. Catch yourself before you start speaking, or before you send the email. “Do I truly have something valuable to offer here?” “Will the world be a better place if I offer my ‘two cents worth’?” “Will the recipient of my advice be grateful or defensive?”

And remember, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is criticism in the eye of the receiver.

Be careful.

Question: Are you trying to “fix” people in your life with unsolicited advice? As Dr. Phil says “How’s that working for you?”  If you’d like to leave a comment, we’d love for you to do so here.

But when you move beyond just attending, church plays a vital role. I believe that when serious Christ-followers think about their church, they’re going to see in one of two ways.

1. Your church has a ministry to you and your family. You belong and you get your spiritual needs met through the church. You give money, they teach your kids (and yourself) about faith, they help the poor, they provide opportunities for you and your family to connect, grow, and thrive.

…or

2. Your church is your partner in following and serving Christ. You have the ball! You have the “monkey”! Your church is your teammate, your strength and conditioning coach, your motivational “pre-game” environment.

In the first option, church is like the dry cleaners. You drive up, drop off your clothes, they do the work, you pay, and you leave with your clean clothes. They cleaned them. If it’s not done, or done right, you look back to them.

The second option is like the Laundromat. Just like before, you drive up. But here, you go in, you pick from the tools they’ve provided, you do the work, you interact with others who are going about the same work, and you leave with your clean clothes. See the difference?

Several years ago, a book called Revolution by George Barna made a huge statement to me. In essence, (and I’m paraphrasing here), there are/may be 180 million professing Christians in America. But there are/may be 22 million “revolutionaries”.  As I recall, his definition of a “revolutionary” is a Christ-follower who would live out the Faith on his own, even if there were no church!

That is a totally different paradigm for most people. Here’s what it means to me …

Children

I am responsible for discipling my kids. The church is my partner, providing me resources and teaching consistently with my core beliefs. The church must be creative, engaging, authentic, and relevant if it’s going to help me with my kids. The responsibility is mine and only mine, but I need the best help I can get in “people” resources (teachers, mentors, small group leaders), training resources (videos, teachings, ‘take homes’) and experiences.

Evangelism

I am responsible for being “light” in my workplace, my neighborhood…everywhere I go. I want my church to provide environments and opportunities to help me move my friends one step closer to a committed relationship with Jesus Christ. The church needs to give me the tool of a safe, relevant place for them to “enter” or “re-enter” church. And I need a church that can connect me with great sermons, books, environments and on-line resources. My job isn’t “just try to get ‘em to church”; my job is to try to “get ‘em to Jesus”.  I want a church that partners with me to do that.

Personal Spiritual Growth

I am responsible for growing in my faith and the knowledge of the Lord. It’s up to me to read and study my Bible on my own…to seek truth and apply it. I want a church that will partner with me, teach me, stretch me and inspire me to “faith and good works”.  But if I’m not growing or “being fed”, it’s my fault. There’s plenty of “spiritual food” out there and the great Provider is eager for me to consume it.

The Poor and Disadvantaged

I am responsible for helping the poor, the widows and orphans. If my church can help me, be my partner, “vet” new ministries and pool my time and resources with others, that’s great.

But if they are responsible for these people, then I’m not. If they have the burden for the poor and I don’t, we’re not partners. That means they have a ministry and I don’t. I’ve outsourced part of my responsibility as a Christ-follower. The church has become a vendor, not a partner.

Question: Does your church “partner” with you in your ministry?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

I first discovered this truth in church-world. We had been involved in our church for years, but little by little, we’d moved on from this ministry and rotated off that committee. We found ourselves being cynical about the very things we used to be involved with. When we were involved, when we had a stake in the decision making, it was all good. But as we slid into passive participation, our hearts were lost and we became cynical. We found a new church.

The principle comes from Scripture, where the Lord said (in Matthew 6:21) “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Our treasure is our energy, our caring, and concern for our church, business or organization. When we invest the “treasure” of our  energy, our hearts follow. Whatever we invest time and energy into, we will care about. When we stop investing and become participants, we’ll care less and become more cynical over time.

Involvement says “I’m in.” “This is partly my deal.  I care about this.  I’m not just doing the minimum…I’m going above and beyond.  I have pride of ownership.” Participation says “I’ll probably be there.  I hope it’s good, but if it’s not, so what?  I don’t have a dog in this fight.”

When you’re involved, it’s “we”…it’s “my church”, “our company”. When you hear yourself start saying “they”, you’ve probably moved from involvement to participation.

Let’s bring this home. If you lock your wife out of your family finances, she’s going to become cynical about the way you manage the money. If she’s involved, she’s going to feel more supportive of the decisions and more committed to making them work.

If you announce that you’re playing golf on Saturdays, was she involved in that decision or was it just announced to her? Is your wife cynical about your love for golf? There might be a clue here.

The next time you find yourself sour and cynical about something, check your level of involvement. It might be that putting in a little more of your “treasure” will bring a change in your heart!

Question: What are you participating in that you should either quit or become more involved?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

How can you avoid this awful, painful experience? (or how can you avoid it again?)

“If you ever consider divorce you will always have to consider divorce,” my first mentor told me. He said “Take it off the table. Remove it as an option. Don’t use the word. Don’t even acknowledge it as a possibility. Instead of spending your energy deciding ‘where the line is’ (e.g. how bad does it have to get before you’d split up), spend it on solving your issues. And you do that best by trying to change yourself, not each other.”

Being a “car guy”, I came up with this analogy….

What if the car you have right now were the ONLY car you could ever have? What if there was a law that said you could never swap your car for another one? Ever. Or ever again.

How much time would you spend on the internet looking at other people’s cars? Why would you envy the shiny new models? It would do nothing but frustrate you.

And how would you treat your current, “for the rest of your life” car? Wouldn’t you be a little more inclined to make the sacrifice and service it? To give it what it needs?  To really take care of it?

You might even find yourself being pretty proud of it after a few years. You could have a classic, if you’ll just nurture it and give it TLC!

Cars that were manufactured 40 or 50 years ago were pretty homogeneous when they rolled off the assembly line, just like brides and grooms on their wedding day.

But years later, precious few of those cars remain intact. Those that are cared for and preserved become more and more unique as the years go by. And their owners feel happier each year they didn’t yield to the temptation to “trade ‘er in”.

So it will be for you if you forget about ever getting _____(the “d” word) and make your marriage work!

Question: Will you recommit to being a better husband and never using the “d” word in your marriage ever again?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Attending – The most basic listening skill, attending has to do with our physical positioning. When I “attend” to someone, I simply face them, maintain good eye contact, and show them with my body that I’m paying attention. I’m not looking at the papers on the table in front of me. I’m not looking at my cell phone or the text message I just received. I’m not looking out the window. I’m looking at them. My hands are quiet. I’m not “fidgeting”….tapping my fingers or my foot. I’m physically focused on the person I’m listening to. Everyone can do this one. So try it with your wife, your kids, then with people at work and with friends.

Content – Next, focus on the content of what they’re saying. Word for word, track the exact words they say, trying not to interpret or read between the lines. The content of what a person is saying is just that. It doesn’t include their feelings about what they’re saying, and it doesn’t include your interpretation of what they’re saying (or trying to say). It’s just what they’re saying, just as it would be typed by a court reporter. Practice this by repeating what they say… “You said_________”. You’ll quickly see just how hard it is to really, really listen.

Feeling – We are always feeling something. And when we are talking, we are feeling something as we’re communicating. If I’m telling about the birth of my new granddaughter, I’m feeling happy because grandkids are so much fun. Or, if I’m describing her delivery, I may be feeling relieved, as she is healthy, has all of her faculties, and both she and her mother are doing fine. We’re always communicating a feeling when we talk, and the best listeners are those who can read those feelings and connect with them. You can practice this one by paying close attention to the person who’s speaking. Then, at the appropriate time, say back to them “You feel _________” and use the “feeling word” that you think describes how they feel right now, as they’re telling you their story. You’ll be amazed at a couple of things…how hard it is to come up with a good word to guess at what they’re feeling, and the powerful emotional response they have when you get it right! People love to be heard and understood. When you demonstrate that you heard what they said and connected with their feelings, they’ll respond…and sometimes powerfully. People love to be understood.

And understanding is the ultimate goal of a good listener, a good husband, boss, or friend.

I want to really understand you….what you’re saying…what you’re feeling…and what you really mean by what you’re saying. If I understand you, then I might be able to help you. At a minimum, you’ll feel my love because I listened to you.

And in our 21^st century culture, it’s very rare when someone listens to you well enough to understand what you’re saying and how you really feel.

Question: Are you a good listener? Are you willing to focus some effort into becoming a better one?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

“There is no heavier burden than a great opportunity.”

Obviously that struck me.

What is my ‘heavy burden’?

I don’t want to miss out on my great opportunity.

What could I be? What am I missing?

Most of us drift into our career paths. With the exception of professionals like doctors, lawyers, nurses, and accountants, only a fraction of us end up in fields we were formally educated for. Most of us go out looking for a job and we take the best job that’s offered. After we’ve done that a few times, we end up far from where we thought we would. Chemistry majors sell plumbing supplies. Industrial engineers teach chemistry. It’s just the way capitalism seems to work.

But as a Christ-follower, I believe there’s an invisible hand that directs our steps. When we trust that hand, His hand, we can reduce our anxiety and relax into the role and responsibility that we’ve been given. I love Psalm 16:5-6. It says….

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful

inheritance.”

Don’t you love the quiet confidence you feel when you read and embrace that?

I’ve come to realize that my “great opportunity” is the job I’ve been given…right now!

We have the opportunity to be grateful for the responsibilities we’ve been entrusted with. The fact that God may be using this job to prepare us for future ones gives us even more confidence. And when we “do our work heartily as to the Lord”, we build a reputation for ourselves; people come to respect how we think, what we can do, and our character…who we are as people. Over time, we distinguish ourselves and sometimes, great opportunities come our way.

It’s easy to think back on your path and think you ‘chickened out’ on some great opportunity… some chance of a lifetime. But we believe in an omnipotent, omniscient God who never makes mistakes. You are where you are for a reason. You didn’t miss out… He had other plans for you. And He still does.

Grow where you’re planted. Relieve your ‘heavy burden’ by grabbing the ‘great opportunity’ that’s right in front of you. Love God and trust Him for today…for every day of your work life. He is good. He will provide for you. He will direct your steps.

Question: Will you take a deep breath right now and thank God for where you are?  For the job He has you in?  Tell us about how it felt by leaving a comment here.