Empathy and Self-Esteem
If empathy is simply connecting with people’s feelings, why is it so hard? All us Jesus-followers want empathy, right? “They will know we are Christians by our love” falls apart if we can’t meet people where they are and connect with their emotions. Hard to love someone well without knowing their heart.
I believe the problem is self-esteem.
My self-esteem.
If I have healthy self-esteem . . . if I know who I am and I’m o.k. ‘being me’, I don’t worry as much about who you think I am. If I’m peaceful with myself, I can set aside my issues and focus on yours. But if I’m using all my energy to take care of myself . . . if I’m trying hard to make you like me or manage my “image,” I’ve got no capacity left for you. No ‘bandwidth’ for getting into your ‘frame of reference’. A friend once told me this is why it’s so hard to remember people’s names when we first meet. We’re using so much energy on ourselves trying to make a good first impression, we don’t have ‘bandwidth’ left to focus on them and remember their name.
Seems like Christ-followers would have the perfect amount of self-esteem.
There’s absolutely no reason for us to have low self-esteem. We know we’re loved extravagantly by our Heavenly Father. We’re loved so much that we’ve been adopted into His family. We’re literally the King’s kids (How cool is that?). We’re worthy of the love and respect and forgiveness of people because God loves, respects and forgives us. But we don’t get carried away thinking too much of ourselves if we’re good-looking or smart or talented or lovable, because we know He’s the One who made us that way. If it’s good, it’s from Him. It didn’t have to be and can change in the beat of a heart. He’s the source of everything. We live in gratitude and have every reason to feel good about ourselves.
Developing empathy takes effort. We must choose to love people and truly value them. We must choose to ‘consider others more important than yourself’. Do you love people and use things, or use people and love things? Since people are God’s highest and best creation . . . are the ONLY thing (other than God’s Word) that goes from this life to the next, slowing down to develop our empathy quotient might be more important than hurrying to the gym to develop our abs and biceps.
Remember, empathy is feeling people and no more. I screw up because I want to help. When I go beyond listening, feeling and caring . . . when I go on to share my advice, experience, encouragement, faith, network, resources . . . my whatever, I replace the feeling of being connected with the content of my thoughts. Hurting people can’t handle, don’t want, aren’t ready for content. They need love, understanding and connection.
Try being empathetic in every conversation today. Just today. I will if you will. In each moment of personal interaction, set aside ALL your stuff and totally focus on the emotion being felt by the person you’re talking to. Resist the temptation to offer advice, to self-reference, or cut them off. Just be ‘in the moment’. Resist judging. Relate to their feelings. Let them know you ‘feel what they feel’.
Question: Please come back here and share what happened when you practice empathy today.
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Responses (5)
Insightful and engaging post. In fact, empathy is one of the interpersonal skills and is needed to develop good human relationships. thanks for sharing, i enjoyed reading this post
Absolutely agree that empathy is so hard and requires so much effort, yet it is so essential. Thanks for the reminder to ‘be in the moment’ when we’re struggling to empathise with others.
Something that is lacking in the life of some of us who claim the title of believer, we sometimes preach it, but how often do we practice it? When we are concerned with how it looks to others when we practice empathy, there is a real easy answer. Know and understand that the person we are considering empathizing with ( or not empathizing with ) is specifically one of those referred to in the parable of the the sheep and the goats…
Matthew 25:34-36
34“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
These people are not outcasts, rather our brothers and sisters…no matter how they look, smell or sound. We are his hands and feet..we represent the King! It’s what Jesus did, his love was about empathy and loving the unlovable.
Thanks for very practical advice.
Empathy seems to be the really really hard work that must precede the hard work that we want to do for others .
This is great. I really know a seconder