The Cost of Community
I’ve been going on and on about the value of community. About being vulnerable with trusted friends. About developing intimate friendships and ‘doing life’ with other guys. About how rich it can be when a guy intentionally invests in friendships with other committed Jesus-followers.
But I’ve never thought much about the cost of that community . . . until recently.
A close friend’s wife has gone nuts and decided she wants a different life. Seems now she’s lived a lie for years. Says she’s no longer interested in “the God stuff” and wants a divorce. My friend is decimated. Rocked to the core. His two sons are confused. His bank account is raided daily with charges for clothes to be worn to places she wants to be seen but he would never go.
Guys and their families in community with this guy are ‘ponying up’. One guy buys dinner every Tuesday so my friend can keep his footing and remain sane. Another offered half his house as temporary housing. Others have disrupted their family lives to connect their kids with my friends’ kids . . . trying to provide some normalcy.
These parents, without choosing to, are having to help their kids understand the pain and nastiness of divorce ‘up close and personal’. For some of the guys in the community, writing affidavits in support of my friends’ custody efforts has created enmity with the soon-to-be-ex wife and her companions. When she moved out a couple of weeks ago, people from the community started showing up with food, furniture, pine bark – you name it. They’ve helped restore his home. They’ve showered he and his boys with love and affection and service and generosity. The horrible misfortune of one member is costing everyone in the community.
A cost willingly paid, but still a cost.
Time is what we invest to be a part of a community, and time is the currency in which we pay the cost. And it’s not always time that can be scheduled or planned in advance. When my brother has an urgent need, I have an urgent need. I notice people who seem to have all kinds of time for hobbies and do-it-yourself projects. They have time to ‘go deep’ with golf or sports or music or yard work because they aren’t in community. Because they don’t make the investment in developing community, they never have to pay the cost.
But from the standpoint of intimate male friendships, they live alone.
They’re rarely needed or called upon by others. Consequently, when they have needs, they’ll likely go unnoticed and unmet.
And that’s the ‘secret sauce’ of community. Human beings thrive when they’re needed and wither when they aren’t. Love is expressed when we meet the need of another person. The only way to know about those needs is to be in community.
Question: Will the six guys who’ll carry your casket know you? Will you have paid the cost of being their friend such that they’ll willingly do the same for you?
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