The Bait and Switch
Everyone who gets married gets surprised. There’s things you find out after the wedding you didn’t know before hand. And it’s mutual . . . she’s going to discover things about you she didn’t fathom while you were dating or engaged. It’s not intentional – it’s nobody’s fault. It just happens. The idea of ‘Patti’ will always be a little different from the actual ‘Patti.’
Infatuation is partly to blame. The idea of the person gets so jacked up by emotion and hormones that you can’t see the actual person objectively. And it’s probably good because if we were totally objective, it would be so hard to pull the trigger no one would ever get married.
The ‘thrill of the hunt’ is in there too. When we meet someone and fall in love, we shine everything up. Put our best foot forward. We mind our manners and listen carefully to everything they say. We’ll even clean out from under our fingernails. But after we win their love and say the vows, the thrill is gone, the hunt is over and the ‘same old, same old’ can set in.
It’s pretty rare when a man or a woman intentionally deceives their fiancé. The dissonance we experience after being married a while isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s not a ‘bait and switch’. It’s just the reality of two people merging their existences together. It’s gaining experience – putting in road miles.
Love isn’t a hole you fall into . . . it’s a choice you make, and marital love is often fueled by commitment, tenacity, and determination more than passion, romance and flowers. It doesn’t feel good a lot of the time. But it is good . . . and good for us.
The woman I’m married to now is very different from the one I fell in love with. I’ve learned to love her differently than when we started out. Marriage isn’t about falling in love once and staying in love with that same woman all your life. It’s choosing to love her as she is in each stage of life, adapting your love to the woman she has become and is becoming.
A husband’s love must mature as he and his wife mature. As Paul says in I Cor. 13:11 . . .
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
I could paraphrase to say “When I was a newlywed, I talked like a newlywed, I thought like a newlywed, I reasoned like a newlywed. When I matured, I put the ways of a newlywed behind me.”
Translated: I grew up, accepted her exactly as she is, and started to love her with a rock-solid, committed selfless kind of love that never gives up or goes away. The same kind of love Jesus has for us. No ‘bait and switch’.
The same now, always and forever.
Question: Have you matured in your love for your wife? Do you love her for who she is? Tell us here.
Interested in my most recent book, What Radical Husbands Do? You can see the website here or visit Amazon for the physical and Kindle editions!
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Responses (6)
Hi! I know that this blog is primarily for Christian men mentoring one another, but I’m really enjoying your articles also. They really encourage me as a wife trying to serve God in my marriage. I am so grateful for this post in particular. My husband and I have only been married for a year now, but I have started to realize that things are shifting in our marriage–as you described, reality sets in, things aren’t exactly the same as they were when we were dating, etc. But it’s extremely encouraging to remember that you have to roll with the changes that occur within your marriage. Although this was written to husbands, I think the exact same concept applies to wives: we have to love our husbands for who they are now, and for who they might become in the future. I’m really thankful for the ideas and counsel you offer here; it’s really encouraging me in my relationship with Christ. Thank you!
I really enjoyed reading your post. I agree and remember my newly wed days fourteen years ago. Marriage changes as we become more transparent with one another as our trust and intimacy grows. Relationships, in general and marriage in particular, are strengthened through the challenges of doing life together. For me it has allowed me to better learn what it means to love selflessly and to put my wife ahead of me. A lesson I would not have learned were it not for the dynamic described in your post.
Great commentary. Very True. I often tell those who ask, how we have journeyed through 30 years of marriage and dating that love is not enough. Without Jesus at the center it is almost impossible.
Everyday I thank God that he is using my wife to make me into the man that he desires me to be.
He loves us unconditionally so it would be hypocritical of us not to extend the same to others especially to the primary relationships in our lives
Thanks Stephanie.
…way to go Rick. Keep it going!
So true Tony. Thanks for continuing to read and comment.
Regi